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Your Conflict Style -Learned At Early Age

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

Our ideas about how to influence and respond to authority are largely a result of what we learned as children through our family upbringing. As adults in the workplace, we tend to recreate and respond in the fashion we were taught in early childhood.

Recall a recent workplace conflict and the part you played — what did you do or say? Did you avoid, blame, yell or threaten, acquiesce, compromise or work out a win-win solution? Now compare this with the family “rules” around conflict you learned as a child. Most people can recognize that their workplace conflict pattern stems from their family of origin.

We bring these lessons and patterns with us into the workplace. The first group we ever belonged to was our family. Our parents were our first “bosses.” How we relate and respond to a workplace “boss” is largely habituated from our own parental experiences. Common struggles with workplace power and authority (asking for a raise or challenging your boss) are likely connected to early childhood “interpretations” and experiences with authority. For example, some grew up with the message that it was not OK to challenge authority, with strong parental messages like, “Do what I say,” or, “You can sit there all night until those peas are gone!” or, “Don’t argue with me!” As adults, they may be reticent to tell the boss bad news, ask for what they want, disagree or give challenging feedback. As children, they learned it wasn’t OK to challenge authority.

Most bosses (and businesses) would benefit greatly by hearing what’s really going on from people in their workplaces. Yet few get this kind of honest feedback. Bosses need to ask for feedback (and not shoot the messenger!) and work to establish trust with their people.

In terms of how we manage conflict, the truth is most of us go through life reacting unconsciously. To change how you manage conflict, you must first be aware of your patterns and tendencies.

In moments of anxiety, stress or fear, a highly automatic emotional reaction (triggered by the reptilian part of our brain) often overpowers rational thinking. Our brains release a hormone to signal danger (fight or flight). This served our ancestors well for survival in saber-tooth territory, but can be a hindrance in today’s workplace.

Additionally, our brains are “hard-wired” for how we react emotionally — our early childhood experiences determine how neural pathways are established. As adults, we react emotionally when something happens that causes these childhood neural pathways to “fire.” For example, if as a baby you experienced a parent as loud and frightening, you likely react with a conditioned fear response to a boss yelling. Perhaps you got the message as a child you were never “good enough;” then you may have intense reactions of sadness or anger when you hear disapproval in the workplace.

Have you ever been surprised at the intensity of someone’s reaction to something you said — “Whoa, where did that reaction come from?” The stronger the emotional reaction, the more likely their interpretation of the situation is coming from their past.

Most want to blame others for their reactions, as in, “You made me mad,” or, “He pushes my buttons.” The truth is, we push our own buttons. Nobody makes us feel anything.

Most of us react to words or behaviors of others that get under our skin. For the sake of future workplace relationships and your career, identify and learn to recognize your hot buttons.

The primary reason for career derailment is a lack of emotional intelligence. The good news: It is possible to rewire your brain’s neural firing patterns. The bad news: It isn’t easy. It takes great attention, support and practice to learn to rewire new behaviors.

TIPS TO HELP

Be aware of your emotional patterns.
Understand that we co-create what’s working and not working with others.
Identify what you are feeling (feelings inform you about the importance and meaning of a situation) and then choose your behavior. Recent brain-scan research indicates that naming your feeling when upset (either to yourself or out loud) can get you out of “lizard” mode and back into prefrontal cortex thinking mode (where your odds of successful resolution are greatly enhanced).
Get help — hire a coach or get training in conflict resolution and interpersonal practices.

Notice when you slip into your childhood emotional state, then choose to behave as a grownup.

Invest in yourself by hiring me as your coach! I can help you learn, develop and grow your leadership and emotional intelligence abilities. I coach leaders all over the world via Skype. Call me: 360 682 5807 or email: mmoriarty@pathtochange.com

Leadership and Conflict

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

If you are a leader – your are in the business of conflict. Research suggests the majority of managers spend a minimum of 20 percent of their time managing conflict. Yet studies also indicate that only 10 percent of managers handle conflict effectively. Conflict is a given in any workplace; differences will and do occur among co-workers, bosses and their reports. The challenge for managers is not to suppress (or avoid) conflict but to learn to manage it effectively.

When managed poorly, conflict can become unhealthy and may result in huge organizational cost — lost productivity, low morale and high turnover. Many managers bounce between the extremes of avoidance (hoping it will magically go away) or taking action in extreme ways (punishment, anger, blame, accusations or lashing out).

We have varying degrees of comfort with conflict, and approach it in different ways. Most of us have a “preferred” style of conflict management. This doesn’t mean we don’t use other styles. It means we have a greater comfort with (and tendency to employ) a particular style over others.

What is your preferred style for handling conflict? There are professional resources and assessments to help you identify this. One frequently used instrument is the TKI (Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument), which identifies the following five primary conflict management styles:

Avoiding — not addressing the conflict (postponing or withdrawing).
Accommodating — acquiescing and letting the other have his or her way (self-sacrificing for the sake of the relationship).
Competing — there will be one winner and one loser; using persuasion and power to win.
Compromising — each one gives a little and loses a little trying to find middle ground.
Collaborating — exploring for a win/win to create a solution that satisfies both parties.

As a professional leadership consultant, some of the most difficult executive challenges I am engaged with involve situations with great internal, organizational or interpersonal conflict.

Here are a few tips to handle conflict more effectively:

Invest upfront and spend more time contracting prior to the project kickoff. Define and set clear expectations for tasks, objectives and role responsibilities. Establish timelines and expected completion times for project benchmarks. If disagreement occurs during the project, go back to the contracting phase and review or, if necessary, re-establish expectations and roles.

Get clear about what the conflict is about. Managers need to remember that there are at least two sides to every story. It’s easy to lose sight of the facts when a conflict deteriorates into an emotionally charged interchange. It’s important to talk about what the core issues are, what’s not working and what can be done differently. Take the “helicopter” view and consider the systemic reason behind what has gone wrong. In my experience, the core issue is often a system or organizational process versus a personality or personal one. Long-term or repetitive conflicts often require professional organizational development expertise to help resolve systemic issues.

Avoid blaming. Blaming often generates defensiveness or retaliation. Own and communicate your contribution to the conflict. Use empathy (what it’s like to be in their shoes). Use curiosity to try to understand their perspective. Most people will “de-escalate” in a heated conflict if they feel heard, acknowledged and understood. This isn’t about agreement — it’s more about simply understanding where the other person is coming from. This is not easy when emotions are high (particularly if your “inner lizard” kicks in).

It can be highly beneficial to “debrief” after significant conflict. It’s important to create a plan for dealing with conflict moving forward — one that identifies what worked and didn’t work last time. Use these learnings to identify behaviors that may help resolve any future conflict. Nobody wants to go through unnecessary pain resolving the same problem again.

In a fast-moving, growing and challenging business environment, conflict in inevitable. It is also a highly effective process (when managed well) for any high-performing team to reach creative solutions. An organization without conflict isn’t trying hard enough.

Your Workplace Emotions Matter

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

Many workers are downright grumpy– companies have cut back on resources all while asking workers to “do more with less.” As a result, nerves get frayed and tempers can flare.

Tempers flare when the amygdala part of our brain gets triggered and sets off an alarm, firing powerful adrenaline stress hormones in response to perceived threats (like fear of losing your job). There are many ways we can perceive “danger” in our workplaces. For example, believing a co-worker is trying to make us look bad to the boss can be seen as a threat to our livelihood (and therefore our survival). Hearing a co-worker say something that we perceive is insulting or demeaning can be seen as a threat to our self-esteem. Scenarios where we perceive threats put us at risk for losing control of our emotions — otherwise known as an amygdala hijack.

Losing one’s temper or composure in the workplace puts jobs and careers at risk. Most companies won’t put up with it. Workers with anger management issues are seen as a serious risk.

Feeling angry isn’t the problem; the problem is inappropriate behavior. You may not be able to choose how you feel, but you can choose how you respond. Here are tips for responding appropriately:

If you feel out of control, take a timeout and remove yourself from the situation. Walk around the block or leave for the rest of the day (infinitely better than losing it in front of your boss or colleagues).
Calm down your body’s natural adrenaline response. Try deep breathing from the belly, visualizing your “happy place” or silently repeating a calming word. This will help decrease blood pressure and heart rate, which naturally increase with feeling angry.
Identify and acknowledge your emotion. Just naming it can be helpful. Take responsibility for your own feelings and share them directly to clear the air by using an “I” statement. (“I feel angry when …”) Unexpressed anger can result in passive-aggressive behavior (like getting back at someone indirectly with cynical or critical comments vs. confronting issues head on), which can harm relationships.
Identify what triggers your anger. Self-awareness is key to controlling how you respond. Working with a coach or therapist can help. A professional can help you connect the dots, increase your self-awareness and learn new behaviors — work you can do to hugely benefit your career.
Find a release for your emotions outside work: exercise, kickboxing, chopping wood, etc. Exercise is a powerful release for pent-up emotions.
Check your assumptions and perceptions. It’s our appraisal of the behaviors of others that often cause us to react with anger. Humans often jump to inaccurate conclusions. We often guess at the motives or intentions of our co-workers. Electronic communication is particularly fraught with danger for misinterpretation. Check in with the “offending” person to see if your perceptions are accurate. Ask clarifying questions. Be open to the idea that you might have it wrong.
Slow it down. Think before you speak. Saying the first thing that pops into your head is rarely a good thing when you’re upset. Rapid-fire responses are what get people escorted out of buildings. Before you speak or hit “send” on an e-mail, check in with yourself and ask: How could this be misunderstood? What is my intention here? Do I want to vent, blame or resolve this? When you speak, use “I” statements and avoid blaming; if you respond with “You …,” odds are you will trigger a defensive response from the other person.
Take time off over the holidays to rejuvenate and recharge your batteries. Spend time “disconnected” from the office (that means no compulsive checking of the BlackBerry or other work-connected devices!). Give yourself a break — you deserve it.

Inappropriate outbursts can define how you are viewed in the workplace. Many people are unaware of how poorly their behavior reflects on them (or affects co-workers). There is help available for those with challenges in this area of emotional intelligence.

Workplaces are filled with frustrations. You won’t succeed trying to eliminate feelings of anger. You are still human. What you can change is how you react and respond.