7 Tips To Handle a Difficult Co-worker

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

I received a number of requests from readers after last week’s column for a follow-up column on how to deal with a difficult co-worker.

First, we can all be “difficult” from time to time. It’s part of being human. Second, there will always be “difficult” co-workers. I coach people who have traded one job (and its problem “co-worker” or boss) only to find another difficult person at the next job. By the way, this may be a sign it’s more about you than them. Workplace success depends on being able to address conflict/challenge effectively and professionally.

Though no two situations are alike, most of these scenarios share a common factor — they make us anxious and/or uncomfortable. The solution depends on being able to work through the anxiety, and though there are myriad variables, here are some options to consider:

First, get a reality check. Find a trusted co-worker or professional coach to help you sort through this objectively. Family members or friends who faithfully take your side may not be objective (or particularly helpful). Explore your piece of the “problem” equation. Did this person push one of your hot buttons? Is there a pattern here that you have experienced before with other co-workers? Is it possible you may be overreacting or even “projecting” what you don’t want to own in yourself on this “problem” person?
Having figured out this situation is not about you, take courage and address it. These situations rarely get better without taking some kind of action. Walk through your own discomfort (there is probably learning in this for you) and deal with it directly. Arrange for a face-to-face meeting with the “problem” person. In many cases, talking it out can clear the air and even improve a strained relationship (depending on the delivery). Have a practice run for this meeting with someone who can coach you to use the right language and work through your potential reactivity. You’ll want to go into this meeting clear about your “talking points.”
Be professional, courteous and respectful. Give this person straightforward feedback about how their behavior (not them personally) is affecting you in language that can’t be misunderstood. It’s quite possible they have no idea that their behavior is causing a problem for you. Enlighten them using “I” statements (“I feel disrespected when … “). Let them know your expectation for changed behavior and what you plan to do if the behavior continues (i.e., contact human resources or their boss, etc).
Keep your composure. These conversations won’t go well if you can’t control your emotional behavior and reactivity. If they get reactive and yell, a) resist the urge to yell back, and b) try, “I can’t think with your voice raised. I’ll come back when you’ve had time to calm down.”

If the problem continues, additional options:

Take it up. Go to his or her boss or yours with clear documentation regarding the specific incidents and offending behavior. Identify specifically the problem behavior and the effects on you or workplace performance. Let the boss know of your efforts to resolve the situation with the person directly (most bosses will want you to have first tried to resolve the situation yourself before bringing it to them). Ask for help. Explore the possibility that there has been a failure on the part of management to clarify roles, objectives and expectations that can underlie the root cause for the friction. Frankly, in my consultant role, I often find this is the case.
There is strength in numbers. If other people have also experienced this person’s poor behavior, go together to see HR or top management. Fair warning: I hear from many workers who claim they go to HR and get no satisfaction. Candidly, though most have great intentions, HR personnel are often there to serve management and to protect the company.
If you believe you are being bullied or abused, name it for what it is (“I’m being abused”) and then seek help (workplacebullying.org, HR, top management, doctors, attorneys, etc). If your health is at risk, see a doctor to get help and legal documentation of your stress. Depending on the price you are paying, you may need to find a new job or, in a larger company, ask to be transferred.

For the long term:

Develop skills to deal with conflict effectively and work on developing your personal authority and assertiveness. Conflict is a natural part of the workplace. Believe me, it’s impossible to avoid “differences” at work! Get some training or coaching to enhance your ability to deliver effective feedback and develop conflict resolution skills you can rely on.

Invest in yourself by hiring me as your coach! I can help you learn, develop and grow your leadership and emotional intelligence abilities. I coach leaders all over the world via Skype. Call me: 360 682 5807 or email: mmoriarty@pathtochange.com

Leadership and Conflict

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

If you are a leader – your are in the business of conflict. Research suggests the majority of managers spend a minimum of 20 percent of their time managing conflict. Yet studies also indicate that only 10 percent of managers handle conflict effectively. Conflict is a given in any workplace; differences will and do occur among co-workers, bosses and their reports. The challenge for managers is not to suppress (or avoid) conflict but to learn to manage it effectively.

When managed poorly, conflict can become unhealthy and may result in huge organizational cost — lost productivity, low morale and high turnover. Many managers bounce between the extremes of avoidance (hoping it will magically go away) or taking action in extreme ways (punishment, anger, blame, accusations or lashing out).

We have varying degrees of comfort with conflict, and approach it in different ways. Most of us have a “preferred” style of conflict management. This doesn’t mean we don’t use other styles. It means we have a greater comfort with (and tendency to employ) a particular style over others.

What is your preferred style for handling conflict? There are professional resources and assessments to help you identify this. One frequently used instrument is the TKI (Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument), which identifies the following five primary conflict management styles:

Avoiding — not addressing the conflict (postponing or withdrawing).
Accommodating — acquiescing and letting the other have his or her way (self-sacrificing for the sake of the relationship).
Competing — there will be one winner and one loser; using persuasion and power to win.
Compromising — each one gives a little and loses a little trying to find middle ground.
Collaborating — exploring for a win/win to create a solution that satisfies both parties.

As a professional leadership consultant, some of the most difficult executive challenges I am engaged with involve situations with great internal, organizational or interpersonal conflict.

Here are a few tips to handle conflict more effectively:

Invest upfront and spend more time contracting prior to the project kickoff. Define and set clear expectations for tasks, objectives and role responsibilities. Establish timelines and expected completion times for project benchmarks. If disagreement occurs during the project, go back to the contracting phase and review or, if necessary, re-establish expectations and roles.

Get clear about what the conflict is about. Managers need to remember that there are at least two sides to every story. It’s easy to lose sight of the facts when a conflict deteriorates into an emotionally charged interchange. It’s important to talk about what the core issues are, what’s not working and what can be done differently. Take the “helicopter” view and consider the systemic reason behind what has gone wrong. In my experience, the core issue is often a system or organizational process versus a personality or personal one. Long-term or repetitive conflicts often require professional organizational development expertise to help resolve systemic issues.

Avoid blaming. Blaming often generates defensiveness or retaliation. Own and communicate your contribution to the conflict. Use empathy (what it’s like to be in their shoes). Use curiosity to try to understand their perspective. Most people will “de-escalate” in a heated conflict if they feel heard, acknowledged and understood. This isn’t about agreement — it’s more about simply understanding where the other person is coming from. This is not easy when emotions are high (particularly if your “inner lizard” kicks in).

It can be highly beneficial to “debrief” after significant conflict. It’s important to create a plan for dealing with conflict moving forward — one that identifies what worked and didn’t work last time. Use these learnings to identify behaviors that may help resolve any future conflict. Nobody wants to go through unnecessary pain resolving the same problem again.

In a fast-moving, growing and challenging business environment, conflict in inevitable. It is also a highly effective process (when managed well) for any high-performing team to reach creative solutions. An organization without conflict isn’t trying hard enough.

Re-frame Your Performance Review

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

The dreaded annual performance review. In addition to pay increases, reviews offer other opportunities, like securing flextime/extra vacation days or development resources, improving the relationship between you and your boss, identifying the path to your next promotion and getting feedback to help your career. How you take advantage of this time and process, where the focus is all about you, is up to you.

This week’s focus: How to maximize the opportunities your review presents.

The “self evaluation” part of your review process is your chance to demonstrate your value.

Provide documentation of your accomplishments, particularly any results/benefits to the team and company (keep a log/file throughout the year so you aren’t starting from scratch when you sit down to write your review).

Focus on numbers and concrete examples, such as appreciative e-mails.

Whatever form your company uses, note key successes and emphasize any outstanding contributions, challenges overcome, growth you have made and new responsibilities you have taken on.
If asked about your challenges or weaknesses, try to be objective. Resist the temptation to claim you have none. We all have areas for improvement and your boss is likely well aware of yours.

If the boss thinks you can’t see your own shortcomings, the boss becomes concerned that you are a) unaware, and therefore unable to grow, or b) aren’t being straightforward and honest. Neither of these serves you.

Tips for the review conversation (I deliberately use the word “conversation;” your performance review is your opportunity to have an important dialogue with your boss regarding your relationship and your career!):

If your boss isn’t clear about how you spend your day, enlighten him or her. Revisit your role, job expectations and what your boss views as your priorities.

Ask for clarification about anything that is confusing or unclear.

Find out what keeps your boss awake at night so you can figure out how to help and increase your likelihood for a raise or promotion next year.
Address any relationship issues, such as ongoing annoyances that frustrate either of you. For receptive bosses, offer feedback or requests on how the boss can better support you to be successful in the future (what you would like more, or less, of from them). Let your boss know what you need to do your job better, such as resource support during rush or busy periods, new software programs or any self/leadership improvement support like personal coaching, training or academics.
Looking ahead to 2009, negotiate goal setting. You should be comfortable that your targeted goals are reasonably “doable.” Try to get detail about what specific actions or behaviors your boss wants (i.e., projects completed, sales targets, units produced or customer complaints handled, etc).
At the end of your review, summarize what was said (and agreed to) and then submit a document that captures these.
If you want more money, ask for it (it surprises me how many workers fail to ask) and make a solid case. Base your request on what you have brought in.

Quantify your value and contributions. If you can’t get the money you want now, see if you can get your boss to agree to a bonus or increase based on hitting targeted goals along the way in ’09. If not, try for flextime, extra vacation days, etc.

Lastly, thank your boss for his or her time and consideration.

How to receive any critical feedback your boss may offer during your review:

Attitude matters. Don’t sit there glowering with your arms crossed. Your career advancement may depend on how you react to the information and what you do with it.
Listen to understand first before you go into automatic defend or deny mode. Ask clarification questions. Summarize what you hear to make sure you have it correct. Offer any rebuttals professionally.
Ask your boss what he or she wants you to do differently. Explain how you will keep a negative from happening again: “I understand how my actions might have been perceived that way. Next time, I will handle it by … .” Or, “I want to strengthen our team and improve.”

A reminder: feedback is information from someone else’s perspective. Receiving tough feedback is an opportunity to learn about yourself and how your behaviors or actions are interpreted by another. If it’s something you have been blind to (and that can hinder your career advancement) it may well be a gift because now you can do something about it. If you can’t find a shred of truth in any of it, check in with others to see if your boss’ perspective is shared. In the end, you have to decide what to do with it.

Respect at Work

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

Sadly, I often hear from people in distress from co-workers who undermine each other. It seems workplace rudeness and disrespect are on the rise.

Demonstrating personal and professional respect is a fundamental expectation for any workplace. Leaders need to e diligent and promoting workplace cultures of respect.

At the risk of this blog post sounding like “everything you learned in kindergarten” basics, it’s important we revisit the value of workplace courtesy and respect.

We are all human beings with feelings and are at risk for being hurt. There are also serious consequences for treating a co-worker with disrespect.

Bad behavior has derailed many careers, and in extreme cases has resulted in legal action-and worse.

A common reason good people leave good jobs is because of disrespectful co-workers or bosses.

Professional and respectful Do’s

Follow the golden workplace rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Be considerate of your co-workers’ personal space (never assume touching someone else is welcome) and time. Workplace cubicles make this ultra important. The lack of privacy is compounded when others treat your workspace like their own.
Pay attention to your impact (i.e., how your loud booming voice or annoying cell phone ringtone carries into the next cubicle).
Treat others with respect (remember that, culturally, respect means different things to different people). Use “please” and “thank you” regularly (again, what you learned in kindergarten!)
Think before you speak. Ask yourself, could this possibly offend someone?
Listen well. Give co-workers the benefit of the doubt, even if you prejudge them as off. Be curious about how they came to their conclusions (you might discover the idea is more on the mark than you previously judged). If you are always suspicious, overly judgmental and/or a micromanager, consider what you are communicating to others.
Watch your language. Stressful situations can get worse with profanity, finger-pointing or loaded words such as “rude,” “unprofessional,” “untrustworthy,” “unethical” or “uncaring.” Instead, use neutral, descriptive words such as “loud” or “abrupt.”
Tell co-workers when their behaviors negatively affect you. “I am offended when I hear you using that word. I would like you to stop using it with me.”
Recognize that being passive aggressive or condescending to co-workers (including snide remarks or sneers) is simply bad form and unprofessional.

Don’ts

Don’t confuse (or excuse) being informal or in a hurry with being rude. We all have busy schedules. It’s no excuse for impolite words or behaviors.
Don’t stereotype or profile co-workers — instantly sizing them up and developing assumptions about them. Don’t give co-workers private nicknames. Differences exist. As human beings, we all create stories about what we believe is true about “others.” We are often wrong.
Don’t gossip about or undermine co-workers. It was nasty behavior in junior high, and guess what — it still is. (It often says more about the person gossiping than the person being bad-mouthed.) When I hear people bad-mouthing someone else, I wonder what they say about me behind my back and I lose respect for them. Try responding with, “Oh, really?” then change the subject or get back to work. If you don’t respond, gossipers move on.
Don’t be the company complainer. It can and will alienate your colleagues. The only good reason to bring up negative issues is to create a plan for resolving them.
Don’t assume; instead, try expressing empathy vs. judgment. Notice when someone looks tired, unhappy or stressed. Express concern instead of judgments, such as, “What a slacker.”

Managers: Don’t tolerate bad behavior. Bring the behavior to the offender’s attention, document it and develop a plan for the employee to fix it. (Getting them professional help is often less expensive than attorney’s fees or headhunters.)

None of this is rocket science, but being aware of your behaviors and their effect on co-workers is important.

COMMON PET PEEVES

1. Being condescended to, 44 percent

2. Being reprimanded publicly, 37 percent

3. Micromanaging, 34 percent

4. Loud talkers, 32 percent

5. Cell phones ringing, 30 percent

Source: Fast Company

New Job? Dos and Don’ts

September 9, 2010 By Maureen Moriarty

Congratulations — you got a new job! No doubt you are anxious to make a good first impression. You can bet your new co-workers and boss are anxious to see how you will fit in. Here are some tips to get you off on the right foot.

Dos.

Have a positive attitude. Attitude speaks volumes about who and what you are.
Get clarity early with the boss about your role, priorities and expectations. Ask questions, listen well and take notes. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification if you are unclear about something, including where to go to when you get in trouble. If you are struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Request regular one-on-one meetings about how you are doing — and what you can do even better. Developing a “can learn” in addition to a “can do” reputation will help you develop a professional and positive rapport with your new boss.
Find a mentor — someone you respect, whose experience and opinion can help you grow in your career. Consider someone who has been there long enough to help you navigate the “political” environment. Find someone with whom you can speak freely with about workplace or career concerns (bosses don’t typically make the best mentors for this reason). Mentors can be critical relationships to your career growth. Most people are flattered and happy to help if you ask (particularly if you remind them of themselves). Remember: Having a mentor is a two-way street. Ask how you can help and contribute to their success as well.
Show up early (you don’t have to overdo this), and don’t sprint from your desk at 4:59 p.m. You don’t have to be the last to leave but don’t always be the first to leave. Demonstrate your willingness to stay longer to finish an important project on deadline. Believe me — others notice your work ethic. There is an old saying: When the going gets tough, the tough get going. In a challenging environment it may make the difference between your getting going or simply being “gone.”
Convince your boss that he/she made a good choice in hiring you. Most new hires are in an unofficial “probationary” period. This “honeymoon” period is when the little things, including attendance and punctuality, are noticed. If traffic is unpredictable, leave earlier. Getting there early beats getting there late any day of the week. Starting off being habitually late and/or demonstrating a lackadaisical attitude leaves bosses wondering how committed you really are and whether he or she made a mistake hiring you.
Do what you say you will do. This is tried and true advice. Don’t promise tasks you can’t deliver. Track and honor any commitments you make to your team and boss. Deliver results that exceed commitments and expectations — consistently. Want a promotion — fast? One way is to become a “go to get it done” resource early on with both your boss and co-workers.
Demonstrate you are a team player. Pitch in on things like lunchroom cleanup, making coffee or replenishing the printer paper. Work hard to get along with all your colleagues — from the janitorial staff to the receptionist. You might be surprised about who has leverage with the boss when they hear you are well-liked (or not!) by your co-workers.

Don’ts

Don’t use company time to surf the Internet, send personal e-mails or stay plugged into your iPod (at the very least until you become more familiar with the company’s culture and tolerance or boundaries around these kinds of activities). Take care of your personal needs on your time. Take the initiative during slow or down time to research and learn something new you can apply to your job — there is always something you can be working on to improve or helping someone else out with.
Don’t establish yourself as the newly designated “water cooler gossip.” Stay out of personal issues and office politics for as long as possible. (Yes, I know it is tempting and human nature.) Avoid getting sucked in and coerced by the naysayers and complainers. You will be judged by your discretion, including those people you choose to surround yourself with — choose intentionally and wisely.
Don’t bring your boss problems without also offering options for a solution. Don’t say, “Sorry, boss, the printer broke so those handouts you wanted won’t be done in time for the meeting.” Instead try, “The printer broke. I submitted the materials online to Kinkos and am leaving to pick them up so you will have them in time for your meeting.” Demonstrating you are resourceful and capable of resolving challenges will help put you on the fast track.

Lastly, don’t get defensive or upset when your boss offers constructive criticism or feedback. Instead, take feedback as a learning opportunity and thank your boss for helping you become more aware.